Speedy Checkout

Prior to my recent outing at Steel Challenge, I was in my local gun shop and range and, at the last minute, grabbed a few boxes of CCI Mini Mag .22lr ammunition. It was going to be cold and damp for the shoot and the Mini Mags offer a bit of a hotter load and tend to be more reliable under such conditions. It had been a long time since I bought Mini Mags and had to spend some time resuscitating my credit card afterwards. In a conversation with a friend, it was suggested to buy them at Walmart instead. Walmart . . ugh. There are few places I hate going more than Walmart. It is the home of the world’s most ironic signs: “Speedy Checkout”. Hint: It never is.

I never used to mind Walmart when the stores were smaller. Granted, compared to other stores of the day they were enormous. But at least they were well stocked, with a preference toward American made goods and you could check out in a reasonable amount of time. Somewhere along the way Walmart and almost every other retailer decided bigger is better and our local Walmart was converted to a Super Walmart. The business model for Super Walmart seemed to include a full grocery section and approximately 300 check out lanes of which no more than 3 would ever be opened on any given day. It is unclear what the other 297 lanes are used for.

In quest for inexpensive .22lr ammo, I steeled my nerve, packed some light provisions, and plunged into the shopping abyss that is Walmart. It was a late Sunday morning and the parking lot seemed no less busy than any other time. I made my way through the store and back to sporting goods which is in a remote corner near automative. As expected, there was nobody there. I scanned the racks behind the register hoping beyond hope that the .22lr ammunition wouldn’t be behind locked glass. But it was not to be. There was a veritable buffet of really great .22 ammo piled up. Federal, Winchester, Remington, and the sought after CCI Mini Mags all for unbelievably attractive prices. The price was almost half what I had paid at the gun shop. Now to find TGWTK (the guy with the key).

Before we set search for the fabled Walmart employee with access to the ammunition candy store, it is worth noting that next to the locked cabinet, are shelves teeming with shotgun ammunition. 12 gauge, 20 gauge, even the hard to find .410. Hundreds of rounds of ammo that could be picked up and paid for at the front counter like every other bit of merchandise in the store without having to find TGWTK.

Well, that is a little bit of a lie. According to my spouse, it seems that Walmart has now locked down health and beauty as well. If one wishes to acquire any of a variety of face creams, makeup, shaving items, or other personal care products one must find TGWTK. Assuming the search is successful, those items must be paid for at a special health and beauty register. I’m starting to get why people prefer shopping online.

Anyway, I wasn’t here for face cream or condoms but rather .22lr ammunition. I knew this was probably going to be difficult. Years ago I used to buy a lot of ammunition at Walmart and the battle was the same then. Were it not really cheap, it would not be worth the effort. Back in the day I memorized the keypad sequence on the phone to hit the overhead pager. On more than one occasion, a familiar voice rang out on the Walmart PA: “Would TGWTK please report to sporting goods?” I no longer remembered that sequence but there was a handy call button by the register one could press to page for help. The customer assistance mechanism at Walmart is apparently maintained by the same company that maintains the ice cream machines at McDonalds. Needless to say, it was out of order so I set out to find help.

My first stop was automotive where nobody was at the counter. I waited for a few minutes and decided there must be someone else working somewhere. I left automative service and combed the store, methodically working up and down rows seeking someone, anyone in the telltale blue vest.

That reminds me. It seems Walmart “refreshed their logo” for the first time in 17 years. The world’s biggest retailer must have spent countless hours and dollars on the redesign. Or perhaps it was done during a 10 minute break on a slow weekday.

My quest continued as I left the automotive displays and moved into hardware. There was still no sign of an employee. Perhaps the store was now run by ChatGPT or some other AI bot. I scouted the paint department thinking certainly there would be someone there. Paint doesn’t mix itself does it? But alas. No Walmart employee here either. I guess Sunday painting projects would have to wait.

Finally, I spotted a young man loading dog beds onto a display in the middle of the aisle. I approached and asked “Would it be possible to get some help in sporting goods?” The young man looked at me wide-eyed as if I’d just asked him to sever a finger. “Lo siento, no hablo inglés.” I briefly considered trying to communicate my need with hand signals but thought better of it. It occurred to me that making a “gun” motion with my hands and pointing to the back corner of the store was more likely to indicate “armed robbery in progress in automative” rather than “I need TGWTK”. I smiled, nodded, and moved on.

After finding a spot near the vacuum cleaners to build a campfire and cook a pan of beans and pot of coffee, I set out again searching for an English speaking Walmart associate. Perhaps in electronics? Unfortunately there was nobody home. I moved on toward the grocery-end of the store. Certainly there must be someone working there. Indeed, near the soda aisle I found a helpful young English-speaking woman who I’m pretty sure didn’t even know Walmart had a sporting goods section. But she dutifully went to find someone asking me to “wait here”.

So I wait I did. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. 15 minutes. Perhaps she was attacked by a roaming mountain lion or Sasquatch. I learned from a TV documentary that the latter are known to hang out around the toiletry department of some Walmarts. But a few minutes later she reappeared saying TGWTK would meet me at the sporting goods desk.

I began the hike back to sporting goods, taking a wide berth around toiletries . . just in case. In the back of my mind I thought “I wonder what time the store closes”? A few minutes later, I was back at the still-abandoned counter. It occurred to me that the reason the ammunition prices were so cheap is because TGWTK probably hadn’t been seen since prior to COVID. They were still selling ammunition they acquired in 2010! But there was hope. Soda girl had, presumably, gone and found TGWTK and sent him my way so I waited. Time passed. Children grew and graduated from college. Those children had children of their own. Armies fought wars. New countries formed as old collapsed. Tectonic plates collided. Still no TGWTK. I stared longingly for a few more minutes at the piles of cheap .22lr ammunition behind the glass. I was reminded of the F. W. Woolworth museum I had been to that had a perfectly preserved inventory of Christmas trinkets from the retailer’s hay day. It was all still in the original boxes that bore original price tags but you couldn’t actually buy any of it. Finally, I turned and left. I hoped my truck would still start. I wondered if my wife would remember me or had given up and moved on? Speedy checkout.